THE CLIMB

In the last few months, we have had more and more couples reaching out for counseling because they feel disconnected. Connection in couples is at a low level in comparison to previous generations. Couples often report that work, activities, children, stress, and too many screens are distracting them from their partners.

Relationship Counseling: Identifying Barriers to Connection in Couples

Maintaining a deep connection in a relationship is not always easy. Over time, couples may encounter challenges that strain their ability to feel close and emotionally attuned to one another. Understanding these barriers is a crucial step toward rekindling connection and building a more resilient relationship. In this blog, we explore three key theories—Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, insights from the John Gottman Institute, and Family Systems Theory—that can help couples identify what may be negatively impacting their bond and how they can work through these issues. When you work with a licensed counselor, you are working with someone who uses counseling theories in their work with you. Let’s examine 3 theories that we use at The Pursuit.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love: Understanding the Elements of Connection

Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love provides a framework for understanding the components that contribute to a fulfilling romantic relationship: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

• Intimacy represents the emotional closeness and bondedness that couples share. When intimacy is lacking, couples may struggle with feelings of disconnection and loneliness, even when physically present with one another.
• Passion involves physical attraction and sexual connection. A loss of passion can leave couples feeling distant or dissatisfied, often leading to frustration and misunderstandings.
• Commitment refers to the decision to maintain the relationship over time. Without a sense of commitment, couples may face uncertainty and fear about the future, which can hinder their ability to fully engage with each other.

Relationship counseling can help couples assess these three elements and identify where they may be struggling. For example, a couple might have a strong sense of commitment but lack intimacy, leading to feelings of emotional distance. By recognizing these dynamics, couples can work on rebuilding intimacy or passion in their relationship.

The John Gottman Institute: Identifying Negative Patterns

The John Gottman Institute is renowned for its research on the dynamics that make or break relationships. A key focus of their work is identifying harmful communication patterns, often referred to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which can predict relationship breakdown if left unchecked. These are:

1. Criticism: When partners focus on each other’s flaws instead of addressing the behavior, it can create defensiveness and distance. Criticism attacks a partner’s character rather than their actions, making it difficult for intimacy to thrive.
2. Defensiveness: A defensive response to perceived criticism or attacks prevents partners from taking responsibility for their actions. This can lead to a cycle of blame, preventing meaningful conversations that could foster understanding.
3. Contempt: This is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen, characterized by sarcasm, mocking, or expressions of disdain. Contempt erodes respect and can deeply wound a partner’s self-esteem, making genuine connection impossible.
4. Stonewalling: When one partner withdraws or shuts down during conflict, it creates an emotional barrier that prevents resolution. Stonewalling often results from feeling overwhelmed but can lead to further isolation within the relationship.

Understanding and addressing these patterns through counseling can be transformative for couples. Therapists trained in Gottman methods help couples replace negative communication habits with healthier ones, such as expressing needs directly, validating each other’s feelings, and practicing active listening.

Family Systems Theory: Exploring Influences from Family of Origin

Family Systems Theory emphasizes that individuals bring patterns of behavior, beliefs, and emotional responses from their families of origin into their relationships. These patterns, often learned in childhood, can shape how couples interact with each other and manage conflict.

• Role Expectations: Many couples may unconsciously adopt roles modeled by their parents, such as one partner taking on a caregiving role while the other takes on a provider role. This dynamic can lead to imbalances if one partner feels overburdened or unappreciated.
• Communication Styles: If one partner grew up in a family where emotions were not openly discussed, they may struggle with expressing their feelings in the relationship. Alternatively, if the other partner’s family was more expressive, they may feel frustrated by their partner’s perceived emotional unavailability.
• Unresolved Family Conflicts: Old wounds from family relationships can resurface in romantic relationships, leading to overreactions or misplaced frustrations. For example, a partner who never felt heard by their parents might be hypersensitive to feeling dismissed by their significant other.

Counselors using a Family Systems approach help couples recognize how their past experiences shape their current relationship dynamics. This awareness can empower partners to work through unresolved issues and build new, healthier ways of relating to each other.

Bringing It All Together: A Holistic Approach to Reconnection

Addressing the barriers to connection in a relationship requires a holistic approach. Here’s how couples can use these theories to strengthen their bond:

1. Assessing and Balancing Love Components: By examining intimacy, passion, and commitment through Sternberg’s model, couples can identify areas needing attention and work on strategies to improve those aspects.
2. Developing Healthier Communication: Understanding the Four Horsemen from the Gottman Institute allows couples to recognize destructive patterns and replace them with more constructive communication methods. Couples can practice active listening, show appreciation, and work on being less defensive during disagreements.
3. Exploring Personal Histories: Family Systems Theory can help each partner understand how their upbringing influences their current relationship. By addressing past wounds and rethinking inherited roles, couples can create new patterns that better serve their connection.

Seeking Professional Support

Couples counseling can be an invaluable resource for working through these challenges. A trained therapist can guide couples in identifying the sources of disconnection and provide strategies to restore intimacy, rekindle passion, and rebuild a sense of shared commitment. With dedication and support, couples can move from feeling distant to experiencing a deeper, more fulfilling bond.

At The Pursuit, a group of experienced therapists have come together to offer best-in-class counseling services. We prioritize clinical theory, non-judgmental approaches, and effective interventions, treatment plans, and coping skills. We have therapists who specialize in different areas and we strive to find the best match for your unique needs. Are you ready to take the first step in your Pursuit towards a happier, healthier you? We invite you to book your free 20-minute consultation with one of our skilled therapists. Don’t wait; it’s time to invest in your well-being. Simply Book Now to start your Pursuit toward personal growth and positive change today. Keep reading if you want to learn more about Family Counseling.