THE CLIMB

It’s a Saturday afternoon, and a parent and his child are working on a simple home improvement project. The task: holding a flashlight. But when the beam shifts slightly, the father’s calm demeanor quickly vanishes. He snaps, “Can’t you hold it right?” The child, wide-eyed and confused, retreats, feeling like they’ve done something wrong. What seems like a minor moment leaves a major emotional impact, setting the stage for future fear-based dynamics in the parent-child relationship.

These moments of overreaction can be more than just frustration. They can be signs of unresolved trauma in the parent, passed down to the child. This cycle is all too common, but there’s hope for breaking it—starting with recognizing the problem and seeking help through effective therapies like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).

The Legacy of Trauma in Parenting

Many parents don’t realize their intense reactions to their children’s mistakes often stem from their own unresolved childhood experiences. Maybe they, too, were once scolded for something as simple as holding the flashlight “wrong,” absorbing the pain and frustration from their caregivers. Without processing these past experiences, the pattern can repeat itself across generations.

Trauma isn’t always about major life events like accidents or abuse. Often, it’s the cumulative effect of smaller, repeated experiences—like being yelled at for minor mistakes—that leaves lasting emotional wounds. Parents who experienced consistent criticism or punishment may find themselves reacting similarly when their children make mistakes, continuing the cycle without even realizing it.

The Role of EMDR in Unpacking Trauma

If you notice yourself reacting with disproportionate anger, frustration, or withdrawal when your child makes a mistake, it may be time to dig deeper into your past. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is an evidence-based therapy designed to help people process trauma and emotional pain. Originally developed to treat PTSD, EMDR is increasingly used to address a range of emotional challenges, including those that affect parenting.

EMDR works by helping individuals process unresolved traumatic memories. During therapy, the parent may revisit certain childhood experiences that trigger their current reactions, but in a controlled and safe environment. By using bilateral stimulation (often through eye movements), the brain is able to reprocess these memories, reducing their emotional intensity. Over time, the traumatic memory loses its grip, allowing the parent to respond more calmly to present-day situations.

Recognizing Triggers in Your Parenting

Do you find yourself snapping when your child makes a small mistake, like spilling a drink or forgetting their homework? These intense reactions are often triggered by unresolved emotions from the past. If you were criticized as a child for not being “perfect,” for example, you might subconsciously push your own child toward perfection to avoid those same feelings of inadequacy. Or perhaps mistakes were met with punishment, and now, your go-to response is frustration or anger because that’s how you were conditioned to react.

When these reactions are automatic, it’s hard to stop the cycle—unless you take a step back and seek help. EMDR can assist in identifying these patterns and transforming them. By addressing the root cause of your emotional triggers, you can begin to respond more thoughtfully, rather than reflexively.

The Impact on Your Child

Children are like sponges, absorbing their parents’ behaviors and emotions. When parents respond to mistakes with yelling, anger, or even silence, children often internalize these reactions as reflections of their own worth. They may begin to believe that making mistakes is dangerous or shameful, leading to feelings of inadequacy and fear.

Children who experience this kind of emotional environment may struggle with confidence and self-esteem. They might become hesitant to take risks, try new things, or step outside their comfort zone for fear of making a mistake and facing another outburst. In some cases, they may begin to mirror their parents’ reactions—responding to stress with anger or withdrawal—or they may become overly compliant, trying to avoid conflict at all costs.

Seeking EMDR therapy allows parents to break this damaging cycle, creating a home environment where mistakes are seen as opportunities for growth, not reasons for punishment.

Breaking the Cycle: Moving from Reaction to Reflection

The first step in breaking this cycle is awareness. If you notice yourself reacting strongly to small mistakes, ask yourself why. Are you truly upset with your child, or is your reaction tied to something from your past? EMDR therapy can help you explore these questions and reframe your responses.

For example, let’s revisit the flashlight scenario. When your child is struggling to hold the flashlight and you feel anger rising, it’s not just about the flashlight. It might be tied to memories of your own childhood, when you were yelled at for doing things “wrong.” With EMDR, you can process these old wounds, learning to pause in the moment, breathe, and respond calmly.

Compassionate Parenting with the Help of EMDR

Once you’ve begun to process your own trauma, it becomes easier to parent with empathy and patience. EMDR helps reduce the emotional charge tied to past experiences, allowing you to model healthier responses for your children. Instead of snapping or withdrawing when they make a mistake, you can respond with calmness and understanding.

• Acknowledge the Mistake Without Judgment: When your child makes a mistake, address it without frustration. Say, “It’s okay, let’s figure out how to fix this together,” instead of, “Why can’t you get this right?”
• Teach Problem-Solving: Shift the focus from the mistake to finding a solution, teaching your child that mistakes are part of the learning process.
• Apologize When You Overreact: No one is perfect. If you lose your temper, own it. Apologizing teaches your child that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s possible to repair relationships afterward.

Healing Your Own Wounds: Why EMDR Therapy Matters

Parenting isn’t just about guiding your child; it’s also about healing yourself. If you’re struggling with trauma that affects your parenting, EMDR can help you work through those unresolved issues. By reprocessing painful memories, you’ll find that your reactions to present-day challenges become less intense, making space for a more compassionate and reflective parenting style.

Final Thoughts

It’s never too late to change the way you respond to your child’s mistakes. By recognizing the trauma that drives your reactions and seeking EMDR therapy, you can stop the cycle of passing down emotional wounds. Not only will this lead to healthier interactions with your child, but it will also help you find peace within yourself. Parent from a place of healing. This approach allows both you and your child to grow in an environment of safety, love, and understanding. Through therapy and self-awareness, you can build a better future for your family, free from the shadows of the past.

At The Pursuit, a group of experienced therapists have come together to offer best-in-class counseling services. We prioritize clinical theory, non-judgmental approaches, and effective interventions, treatment plans, and coping skills. We have therapists who specialize in different areas and we strive to find the best match for your unique needs. Are you ready to take the first step in your Pursuit towards a happier, healthier you? We invite you to book your free 20-minute consultation with one of our skilled therapists. Don’t wait; it’s time to invest in your well-being. Simply Book Now to start your Pursuit toward personal growth and positive change today. Keep reading if you want to learn more about Trauma Therapy.