THE CLIMB

The holiday season can bring immense joy and connection, but for those with unresolved childhood trauma, time with extended family can be challenging. Old wounds may resurface as we reconnect with family, especially if unresolved family dynamics or memories of trauma remain. Judith Herman’s “Trauma and Recovery” model provides insights into how trauma survivors may revert to old coping mechanisms when confronted with familiar faces and triggers. For many, setting healthy boundaries is essential to prevent falling back into past ways of coping and to ensure a more peaceful and supportive holiday experience.

Understanding the Impact of Trauma and Family Dynamics on the Holidays

Judith Herman, a pioneer in trauma research, suggests that trauma affects not only our immediate responses to stress but also how we view relationships and interact with others long after the traumatic events have passed. Her work emphasizes that trauma recovery involves three stages: safety, remembrance and mourning, and reconnection. During the holidays, these stages can help guide survivors of trauma to better understand their emotions and reactions, recognize old coping mechanisms, and ultimately take steps to protect themselves.

In the context of family gatherings, trauma often causes people to unconsciously return to childlike states of mind and coping methods. For instance, someone who once dealt with criticism or abuse by withdrawing may find themselves retreating emotionally or becoming quiet around family members, even if they no longer need to respond that way. Others may react with anger or irritability as a defense, not realizing they’re responding to old patterns rather than current realities. Recognizing these patterns is a first step in setting boundaries that promote healthier interactions and protect one’s well-being.

Why Do We Revert to Childhood Coping Mechanisms?

When we’re around family, especially during high-stress times like the holidays, old coping mechanisms may resurface as a way to protect ourselves emotionally. In Judith Herman’s trauma model, creating safety is the foundational stage in trauma recovery. Yet for many, family gatherings can trigger old feelings of unsafety, whether that’s because of unresolved issues or simply the expectation of conflict. When these feelings emerge, survivors of trauma may instinctively turn to strategies that helped them cope as children, such as avoiding confrontation, over-pleasing, or even emotionally detaching.

But while these responses may have been useful in childhood, they’re often counterproductive as adults. Such patterns can prevent individuals from fully expressing themselves, maintaining control over their emotional space, or asserting their needs within family interactions. As a result, maintaining boundaries is essential—not only to manage current relationships but to further the journey toward healing.

The Importance of Boundaries for Holiday Gatherings

Boundaries are an essential component of Herman’s safety stage in trauma recovery. Establishing boundaries helps create the physical and emotional space needed to feel secure. By setting clear limits, trauma survivors can protect their peace and avoid falling back into distressing patterns.

For example:

• Physical Boundaries: Decide in advance how much time to spend with family and when to take breaks. Setting limits on how much time you spend in a particular environment can prevent overstimulation or emotional exhaustion.
• Emotional Boundaries: Be mindful of conversations that can be triggering, such as discussions around past conflicts, personal criticisms, or sensitive topics. Letting family members know which subjects are off-limits can help avoid emotional distress.
• Personal Boundaries: Acknowledge what you need to feel comfortable, whether that’s taking a break from the room, calling a friend, or setting a specific departure time. Giving yourself permission to step away or leave early can ease anxiety and reduce the risk of reverting to old coping mechanisms.

Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries During the Holidays

Setting boundaries may seem intimidating, especially if your family doesn’t respect or understand your need for them. However, you have the right to protect your well-being and create a positive holiday experience for yourself. Here are some ways to approach boundary-setting with confidence:

1. Prepare and Communicate Ahead of Time

• If possible, inform your family of any boundaries before gatherings begin. For example, if you’re avoiding certain topics or need to leave by a specific time, communicating this in advance can help set clear expectations and prevent misunderstandings.

2. Use “I” Statements to Express Your Needs

• Using “I” statements, such as “I feel more comfortable when…” or “I need some quiet time before dinner,” can make it easier to express your needs without sounding confrontational. This approach emphasizes your own experience, which can lead to a more empathetic response from family members.

3. Plan Self-Care Breaks

• Schedule time to step outside, go for a walk, or practice a quick mindfulness exercise. Small self-care breaks can help you stay grounded, process any challenging emotions, and recharge so you feel more in control of the situation.

4. Set Boundaries on Conversations

• It’s okay to politely redirect or decline conversations that you find triggering. If someone brings up a sensitive topic, practice changing the subject or responding with a gentle but firm statement like, “I’d rather not talk about that today.”

Reconnecting While Honoring Your Journey

Judith Herman’s trauma model reminds us that reconnection with safe and supportive people can be part of the healing process. While family gatherings may bring about challenging emotions, they can also offer opportunities to connect in healthier ways. By setting boundaries, you create an environment where you feel more secure, less reactive, and able to be present in ways that feel comfortable for you. Instead of falling back into old coping mechanisms, you can learn to approach family dynamics with new skills and a greater sense of self-assurance.

Remember, it’s okay to distance yourself from family members who consistently disregard your boundaries. Reconnection is a powerful stage of recovery, but it doesn’t require putting yourself in harm’s way. Sometimes, connecting with chosen family members or friends who understand your journey can bring more fulfillment and joy than traditional family gatherings.

Call to Action: Seeking Support Through Counseling

For those dealing with the resurfacing of childhood trauma during the holidays, therapy can provide invaluable support. Counseling helps individuals process traumatic memories, identify coping patterns, and practice new skills for managing family dynamics. A therapist can guide you in developing tailored strategies to navigate family gatherings, establish healthy boundaries, and work toward a sense of peace and healing.

If you’re preparing for the holidays and feeling the weight of family expectations, know that you’re not alone. Therapy offers a safe space to understand your needs, practice self-compassion, and create a specific plan that aligns with your goals for well-being. You deserve a holiday season that nurtures your mental health and honors your journey—one boundary at a time.

At The Pursuit, a group of experienced therapists have come together to offer best-in-class counseling services. We prioritize clinical theory, non-judgmental approaches, and effective interventions, treatment plans, and coping skills. We have therapists who specialize in different areas and we strive to find the best match for your unique needs. Are you ready to take the first step in your Pursuit towards a happier, healthier you? We invite you to book your free 20-minute consultation with one of our skilled therapists. Don’t wait; it’s time to invest in your well-being. Simply Book Now to start your Pursuit toward personal growth and positive change today. Keep reading if you want to learn more about Trauma Therapy.