Sex. There, we said it.
Not in the whispered, embarrassed, beat-around-the-bush way. Not in the “well, if we have time” way. And definitely not in the way that makes it feel like just another box to check in your already overbooked life.
Because let’s be real—when life is moving at full throttle (whether it’s career, kids, or just the sheer volume of responsibility), sex often takes a backseat. And before you know it, date night turns into Netflix on, phones out, and a half-hearted foot tap under the covers—your unspoken way of saying, “Hey, we still good?” One of you sighs, the other mumbles, “Long day…” and just like that, intimacy gets rescheduled for “maybe tomorrow.”
If that hit a little too close to home, good. That means we’re talking about something real. So, let’s get into it—how to bring back the fire, deepen your connection, and stop treating sex like a chore.
And since we know men and women experience this differently, we’re breaking it down Himz & Herz style.
For Himz: The High-Performing, Always-On-The-Go Guy
For the Guys Who Are Always “On” (Pilots, Entrepreneurs, Film Guys, 10x-er’s—Yeah, We’re Talking to You)
You’re a high performer. You handle pressure, make decisions, and get sh*t done. But when it comes to your relationship? You’re stuck.
You want more passion. You want more connection. Maybe you just want a night where she actually starts something for once.
But instead?
You try to rub her back, hoping she’ll take the hint. Nope.
You go bold—a little graze, a little squeeze—denied.
You joke about how long it’s been, and she sighs like you just added another thing to her to-do list.
At this point, you’re wondering… is it even worth trying?
You’re tired of always initiating. Tired of feeling like you have to convince her. Tired of feeling like no matter what you do, it’s never the right time.
But newsflash—it’s not about you. It’s about her. And until you understand how she works, you’re going to keep feeling like the guy who just can’t get it right.
“I give her everything, but it feels like she cares about everyone and everything else—except me”
Here’s What You Need to Know:
1. Sex is 90% Mental—And You’re Overthinking It
You think you’re stuck because of her mood, her stress, her exhaustion. But be honest—when was the last time you were actually present?
Your brain is running a checklist even in bed. Work stress. Financial stress. Wondering if you’re “doing it right.” Meanwhile, she’s right there—and you’re barely registering the moment.
If your mind isn’t in it, your body won’t be either. And if you’re in your head, she can feel that.
2. You’re Tired of Feeling Like the Only One Who Wants It
At this point, you’re hesitant to even try. Because if she shuts you down one more time, you might just give up altogether.
You’re not trying to pressure her. You’re not trying to be an ass about it. But damn—how many times can a guy put himself out there before it starts to feel pathetic?
It’s like you’ve got one move left: just stop trying. But then what? You become the roommate, the co-parent, the business partners running a household. And let’s be real—that’s not the kind of “partnership” you signed up for.
3. Stop Treating Intimacy Like an Achievement
Your career? Your fitness? Those are grind-it-out, push-harder, maximize-results areas of life. Sex isn’t.
If you’re treating intimacy like a goal to hit, she’ll feel it. And if she feels like sex is just another “task” on your list, she’s going to pull away. Not because she doesn’t love you—but because she doesn’t want to feel like she’s part of your performance review.
The best lovers aren’t the ones trying to prove something. They’re the ones who actually show up in the moment.
4. You Want to Feel Like a Man Again—Not Just a Roommate with Benefits
You don’t want pity sex. You don’t want her going through the motions.
You want that undeniable, “can’t keep her hands off you” energy. You want to feel like a man she craves, not just a dude taking up space in her house.
But every time she looks at you like she’s too tired, too stressed, or just not in the mood, it chips away at you. You’re still the same guy—but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it.
And when you start feeling like that? You stop trying. And when you stop trying? Things fall apart.
Want to actually get that fire back? Click to Grab The Intimacy Playbook and start shifting the energy.
5. The Afterglow is Where You Actually Win—And You’re Probably Screwing it Up
Alright, so it finally happened. You got her there. And now?
- You’re out like a light before she even rolls over.
- You get up to grab a snack and check your phone.
- You completely miss the part where she’s lying there, waiting for something—anything—to make the moment feel real.
If you’re ghosting the afterglow, you’re killing your chances of next time.
Because if sex feels transactional, it won’t happen often. But if it feels like something meaningful, something that makes her feel close to you—it’s going to happen a whole lot more.
Want to make sure she actually craves the next time? Grab The Intimacy Playbook and learn how to keep the momentum going.
For Herz: The Under and Overwhelmed, Carrying-It-All Woman
(We see you. The working moms, the do-it-all wives, the ones who are keeping everything afloat.)
Your brain never stops. There’s a constant hum of to-dos, responsibilities, and expectations. And honestly? Some days, intimacy feels like one more thing that requires energy you don’t have.
And let’s talk about how infuriating it is that the man who somehow needed three business days and a formal request to take the trash out now suddenly has the energy, interest, and sense of urgency for sex. Oh, now you’re motivatedand don’t need RUSH pricing?
You love him. You want to feel connected. But after a day of everyone needing something from you, solving problems, and carrying the invisible load of life, you finally crawl into bed—your first quiet moment, your first mental exhale—and just as you hit that sweet, blissful nothingness in your brain, here he comes… reaching for you.
“I’ve spent the whole day being needed. My brain, my time, my energy—now that I finally have a second to be in myself, you want in me too?”
Here’s What You Need to Know:
1. For Most Women, Arousal Doesn’t Start in the Bedroom—It Starts Way Before That
Here’s the truth: For most women, sex isn’t a switch. It’s a slow burn. And if that flame has been smothered by exhaustion, mental overload, or just feeling unseen all day, don’t be shocked when the bedroom starts feeling like just another chore. If you’ve spent all day feeling unseen, unheard, and carrying the mental load alone, it doesn’t matter how much your partner wants you in that moment—because you don’t feel like he’s been with you in the moments that mattered before.
Want to understand how to build desire before the bedroom? Grab The Intimacy Playbook: What She Wishes You Knew About Sex.
2. Your Body Isn’t Broken—So Stop Acting Like It Is
You already feel old AF some days, and now you’re supposed to worry about whether your body is “working right” too?
Things change—energy, response time, what gets you there. That doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means your body is evolving with you.
Let’s just get this straight: You are not broken. You are not failing. You are not “less than” because things take longer or feel different. This is literally how bodies work over time. Stress, kids, hormones, life—it all plays a role.
3. The Right Mental Space Changes Everything
Your brain is the command center for sex. If you’re distracted, anxious, or resentful, your body follows. Ladies, take a damn break. Stop getting in bed and scrolling like it’s self-care.
You spend all day taking care of everyone else, and when you finally get a second for yourself, what do you do? Doomscroll. TikTok, Instagram, Amazon carts full of stuff you’ll never actually buy—convincing yourself this is your wind-down time.
Except it’s not. It’s noise. It’s distraction. It’s keeping you from actually being with yourself for even five minutes.
4. You’re Allowed to Ask for What You Want
Sex isn’t just about being desired—it’s about feeling fully engaged. Somewhere along the way, a lot of us picked up this idea that sex is about accommodating, not experiencing. That wanting something different, something better, or God forbid actually speaking up about it somehow makes us high-maintenance.
Newsflash: This is your experience too.
If you’re just going through the motions, waiting for it to be over instead of actually into it, that’s not intimacy—that’s obligation. And you are not here to be polite in your own sex life.
5. The Afterglow is Where You Reconnect
Your partner may not realize that post-intimacy moments mean just as much as what happens during. Because, of course, there’s one more thing to deal with.
You just had this intimate, connected, maybe even mind-blowing moment… and now, instead of basking in it, you’re doing the post-sex cleanup shuffle.
The roll over and grab a tissue. The awkward waddle to the bathroom. The internal debate of “Do I just sleep like this?” (absolutely not).
And let’s be real—this is where men and women live completely different experiences.
The Takeaway: If You Want a Great Relationship, You Need a Great Sex Life
We’re not saying sex is everything—but let’s be real, it’s not nothing.
- If you’re coasting, your relationship feels it.
- If you’re just going through the motions, your partner knows.
- If you want better intimacy, you have to prioritize connection.
And here’s the truth: Better intimacy = better relationships. More trust. More fun. More energy that carries over into every other area of your life.
So here’s your move:
Stop ignoring it. Stop overcomplicating it. And start making it a priority.
Because when sex is great, everything else just seems to work better.
Need to break the cycle and get real tools for connection? Book a call with one of our Level 3 counselors.
They specialize in helping high performers and overwhelmed partners create intimacy that actually works for their life.
Because life is too short for “just fine” intimacy.
