Setting Boundaries or Avoiding Discomfort?

One word that’s bound to come up at some point during therapy is “boundaries”. Boundaries, in it’s simplest form, tell you and other people what’s okay with you and what’s not. They protect your well being but also allow you to experience richer connection with those around you through taking on a proactive stance toward challenges. In the words of renowned psychotherapist Ester Perel, boundaries are “about connection and separateness. It\’s about letting people in and opening up… or about limiting and creating separateness, knowing where you stop and where the other starts so that not everything becomes a part of you.”

Communication for Connection

Research on this topic indicates that healthy boundaries are not only beneficial in communication, but give the added benefit of high self esteem. In other words, if you are able to establish connection with others while also communicating what’s not okay with you, you develop a strong sense of who you are. 

Unfortunately, some people find themselves in a pattern of unhealthy boundaries due to stressful or even traumatic events that were out of their control. This pattern can be especially true for children who grew up in stressful home environments and/or those that have endured trauma. Their lack of boundaries in attachment relationships (like parents or caregivers) became essential to their coping, or even their survival. Eventually these children believe that in order to be cared for, they must deny or sacrifice their own needs or desires. This pattern is called learned helplessness. 

Learned Helplessness

Learned helplessness can go hand in hand with avoidance behaviors. It would make sense for a person to avoid uncomfortable situations or conversations if they believed they were not capable of solving the problem on their own, or that there would be pain for expressing their desires or needs. While avoidance behaviors can temporarily prevent them from experiencing discomfort, it does not give them the deep connection they long for that comes from “working through” instead of “working around.” This is where boundaries can be helpful. 

Check out the list below to determine if you might be practicing healthy boundaries or avoiding discomfort: 

Who we are

At The Pursuit, a group of experienced therapists have come together to offer best-in-class counseling services. We prioritize clinical theory, non-judgmental approaches, and effective interventions, treatment plans, and coping skills. We have therapists who specialize in different areas and we strive to find the best match for your unique needs. Our services cater to individuals, families, and organizations, including adolescents in high school. We aim to connect you with the specialist who can best address your concerns. Our specialized counseling services aim to address the underlying emotional wounds that contribute to behaviors. We offer evidence-based counseling that is effective in working with many presenting problems. We provide a holistic approach to recovery, focusing on healing the past to create a healthier future. Are you ready to take the first step in your Pursuit towards a happier, healthier you? We invite you to book your free 20-minute consultation with one of our skilled therapists. Don\’t wait; it\’s time to invest in your well-being. Simply Book Now to start your Pursuit toward personal growth and positive change today. You can read more about Anxiety Therapy on our website