Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed that love is made up of three core components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. These three elements form the points of a triangle, and the shape of that triangle shifts over time in every relationship. No side stays perfectly equal forever—but when one side dominates or disappears, couples often feel confused, disconnected, or stuck.
A common dynamic therapists see is couples who are deeply committed to one another, yet feel the spark has faded and emotional closeness has thinned. Understanding Sternberg’s triangle helps normalize this experience—and offers a roadmap forward.
The Three Points of the Triangle
1. Commitment: “I choose you”
Commitment is the decision to stay. It reflects loyalty, shared history, values, and long-term intention. In long-term relationships, commitment often becomes the strongest point of the triangle.
For some couples, commitment looks like:
- Staying together for the family
- Honoring vows or shared faith
- Deep respect and dependability
- A sense of “we’re in this no matter what”
Commitment provides stability, but on its own, it can feel more like partnership or duty than romantic love.
2. Intimacy: “I feel close to you”
Intimacy is the emotional connection—feeling known, understood, and emotionally safe. It includes vulnerability, empathy, trust, and emotional sharing.
When intimacy is low, couples may:
- Talk mostly about logistics
- Avoid deeper emotional conversations
- Feel lonely even while together
- Struggle to feel “seen” by their partner
Intimacy often fades quietly, especially when stress, parenting, or unresolved conflict takes center stage.
3. Passion: “I want you”
Passion includes physical attraction, sexual desire, excitement, and infatuation. It’s often strongest early in relationships but can decline without intentional effort.
A lack of passion may show up as:
- Little sexual desire or novelty
- Feeling more like roommates than lovers
- Absence of flirtation or playfulness
- Avoidance of physical closeness
Importantly, the loss of passion does not mean love is gone—it often means the relationship needs attention in a different way.
When Commitment Stands Alone
When commitment exists without intimacy or passion, Sternberg referred to this as “empty love.” That term can sound harsh, but many couples in this space care deeply for each other and want things to be better—they just don’t know how to get there.
This is often the moment couples reach out for therapy.
How a Therapist Helps Rebalance the Triangle
Therapy isn’t about forcing passion or blaming either partner. Instead, it focuses on intentionally rebuilding the weaker sides of the triangle.
Rebuilding Intimacy
A therapist may help couples:
- Learn to express emotions safely and clearly
- Practice active listening and empathy
- Address unresolved hurts that block closeness
- Create space for curiosity rather than defensiveness
As emotional safety grows, closeness often follows naturally.
Rekindling Passion
Rather than chasing the “honeymoon phase,” therapy helps couples:
- Reconnect with desire through emotional closeness
- Explore beliefs, fears, or shame around sexuality
- Reintroduce novelty, play, and intentional time together
- Shift from routine to intentional presence
Passion grows not from pressure, but from connection and safety.
Strengthening Commitment in a Healthy Way
Commitment becomes healthier when it is:
- A choice, not an obligation
- Rooted in shared meaning rather than fear
- Supported by boundaries and mutual respect
Therapy helps couples align their commitment with why they choose each other—not just why they’ve stayed.
A Balanced Triangle
Healthy, lasting love doesn’t mean all three sides are always equal—but it does mean all three are tended to. When intimacy and passion are nurtured alongside commitment, couples often experience a deeper, more resilient form of love—one that evolves rather than fades.
Sternberg’s triangle reminds us that love isn’t something we either “have” or “lose.” It’s something we build, adjust, and renew—together.
If relationship patterns like these feel familiar, you don’t have to sort through them alone. At The Pursuit Counseling, we work with individuals and couples in Fayetteville, Georgia and the surrounding South Metro Atlanta area who want healthier connection, clearer communication, and more secure relationships. Therapy isn’t about assigning blame — it’s about understanding what’s happening beneath the surface and learning new ways to respond. If you’re curious whether counseling could help, we invite you to reach out and start a conversation.
